Now I'm Just Half Crazy....

It's the Friday before 2015 Delaware Marathon, and I find myself in a strange place....

Last year, I ran the Delaware Marathon, my second marathon, and I finished it 29 minutes faster than my first marathon 6 months before.  I instantly knew I wanted to do it again.  I felt strong after that run- like I could just keep going. I hosted Mother's Day at my house, and was even able to pick up the clutter and sweep my floors, all not even 1 hour after I ran TWENTY-SIX point TWO miles.  I knew I could do it again, and I could do it even better.

After much conversation, my husband and I came to a not so mutual decision to sit out the 2014 Philadelphia Marathon.  We "agreed" that maybe it was a chance to give my body - but mostly - MY FAMILY- a much needed break from training.  At that point I knew my next best option was to wait for May and run Delaware again. 

Much to my surprise, I arrived home from Trick or Treating on Halloween with my family to see that I had WON my entry into the marathon!  I was going to be running the 2015 Delaware Marathon... FOR FREE.... I was really shocked and a little speechless.  So without a second thought, I registered for the full 26.2. 

Healthy Selfie with AJ that won my Bib...

I started training in January with a tough schedule hoping it would help me to run this marathon stronger than the last two.  It was a little more intense then the last two training schedules I had picked, but I was willing to give it a try and I began training with magnificent force.  I was shocked to see that when I actually tried and applied some effort into my running, I could go much faster than I had thought.  My pace dropped from a 11:00MM to much closer to a 10:00MM, even dropping at times below that.  I loved finishing a run and seeing that it was yet again another personal best.  I even went WAY out of my comfort zone and ran with a local running group and found that maybe I DO like running with friends I even made myself a new running buddy....

And then it happened.... WINTER HIT.

AND IT HIT HARD.

Last year I posted about how difficult it was to train for a spring marathon through wicked snow storms.  My training took a major hit for the 2014 Delaware Marathon, mainly because there was snow on top of snow on top of snow on top of ice all winter.  This year the snow wasn't nearly as bad, but the frozen temperatures made it difficult for me to keep my momentum up.  Slowly, I started skipping runs, loafing about and losing my commitment to running another full marathon.  I struggled to keep myself on schedule.  I even stopped running an entire week telling myself I would make up for it on our sunny vacation.  I figured I'd run long on our Costa Rica trip and when we returned the weather would be perfect.  I still had time to get back to it and run the full.  I only had to change my goal from finishing in 4:45 to JUST finishing. I knew I could run 26 miles, but I started to think maybe I didn't want to.  I hated the thought of quitting.  It sent me back to when I believed I wasn't good enough or capable of seeing a commitment through.  I couldn't quit now!  I insisted to myself that I keep training.  If I could run 12 this weekend, I could keep going.... If I could run 16 this weekend, I can totally keep training for the full.... At some point I stopped actually enjoying the journey.  I never wanted training for marathons to get in the way of my LOVE for running...yet that is exactly what was happening.  It became more about I HAVE to run 16 this weekend, instead of I can't wait to....  it wasn't fun and I certainly wasn't enjoying myself.  I noticed I had been beating myself up, and that is when I realized I needed to make a decision. 

I knew I needed some sort of validation. I asked my husband, my running buddy and my two best friends - all indescribable sources of support for me - their thoughts on me dropping down to the HALF marathon.... And not one of them shamed me.  They didn't tell me I was quitting.  They didn't make me feel like I was doing anything wrong at all. As a matter of fact, they simply pointed out that a HALF MARATHON was still a huge accomplishment. All I needed was their approval and the email was sent.  I was now going to add a Half Marathon to my journey of races.

The burden had been lifted and I was enjoying myself again.  I found new paths to keep my spirits up and started realizing how beautiful a run could really be.  I wasn't so focused on speeding up, but more focused on the glory around me.  The clouds, the little critters, the birds, the sun... everything looked so much more amazing when you aren't rushing through.  I looked forward to my runs each day, and even increased the amount of times I was running a week.  Just in time for spring to break....

So here I sit.... just a few days away from my first half marathon, and I can't find what emotion I am feeling at all.  Am I scared?  Of what?  That I won't finish with a good time? PLEASE - been there, done that.  The pain?  I have run for 6 hours and 7 minutes... a 2 hour run isn't going to hurt nearly as much.  Failure?  Not an option - I will toe up and finish this race with every bit of effort I have. 

Maybe it's the regret of the change.  Maybe it's because I probably could have continued the training for the full marathon- and finished, and maybe even reached that 4:45.  Maybe not.  I don't really live my life on regrets and I don't intend to start now.  If I did, I would have never made it this far.  I am writing this post today, simply to remind myself that life is but a journey.  I am sure there will be many full marathons, half marathons, maybe even an ultramarathon on my journey...but if I NEVER run another race again... I will be able to proudly say I have run TWO full marathons and ONE half marathon in my life.  And for that... I am truly grateful.

Take Two

It's here.

Marathon #2.

This time has been a very difficult journey.  A lot of it riddled with questioning my reasoning - or lack thereof - to run a spring marathon right after a fall marathon.  I see several posts per day on social media from folks that will run multiple marathons a year - even monthly - but I am not that person. 

While I enjoy running, and the fact that I am able to endure training for a marathon, my love really comes afterwards.  I love the accomplished feeling I get when I finish a long run, or beat my own time, or just get out and run even though I didn't want to.  I would like to believe I am in the majority of the running community - that I am cursing the mere existence of running while I am in the act of it and start singing it's praises when I am finished. 

 ….Then again - that may put me more in the minority....

Finishing the Philadelphia Marathon was incredible. The fact that I trained hard, stayed committed, fought for a charity and crossed that finish line was such an unbelievable accomplishment.  I never wanted that feeling to end.  I wanted to soar on that run as long as I possibly could.  

My first run after the marathon was about 5 miles long, with my best friend, on Thanksgiving, and was filled with gratitude.  I am truly blessed that I have had the world's greatest cheerleaders by my side through all of my ups and downs in life. And the ones who didn't laugh when I told them I thought I was suffering from "post-race blues" or balk at me for signing up for the Delaware Marathon-just a smidget over a month after finishing Philadelphia. 

I mean, really, I HAD to run Delaware, right?  I am a proud, born & raised Delawarean.  How could I not be a part of the Delaware Marathon Running Festival?  I was now a MARATHON RUNNER – you know!?!  To run 26.2 miles on my own turf just seemed like a dream.  And after convincing my husband that the full was the right one for me, he hesitantly registered me as a surprise Christmas gift.

With all my glory – I began training.  I thought the winter was the wall that stood tall between me and my training – However, I was my greatest stumbling block.  Between the snow, cold weather, lack of motivation, shrinking self-confidence and the stresses of everyday life, I really didn’t think I would make it.  I had no good excuse to not train.  My body was strong and healthy – unlike training for Philadlephia, where I constantly was being sidelined with injury.  Don’t get me wrong – I trained.  I ran my heart out, and beat my pace on most – if not every run – this time.  And I always feel such gratitude and joy when the run is over.  I am prepared for this marathon – just fearful.

Over the last 18 weeks, I had seemed to forget why I started all of this in the first place.  My temporary memory loss is in direct correlation to my overwhelming fear of running this weekend.

So here I sit. 

I am not sure where the nervous energy or anxiety is coming from.  I would expect to feel some fear, but this is just torture.  People say you fear the unknown.  Well, from my experience, I didn’t fear the unknown.  I felt confident going into the first marathon.  I knew that I had my angels sitting on my shoulder to help me get through in one piece.  Now that I know what it feels like to actually run a FULL marathon?  Now, I am afraid.  It’s like having a baby.  You forget the pain until you are ready to push again.

T-Minus 3.5 days before run time….

I can only listen to soft rock or apparently my anxiety spikes,  I don’t have the mental capacity to make any rational decisions, I may be a little short tempered, and I may seem a little MORE flighty than usual. 

All I can do now is try to calmly focus on the whys.  

Why did I start running?  To quit smoking. 

Why did I keep running?  I kind of love it.

Why did I run an entire marathon even though I had never run more than 6 miles before registering for it?  To honor my dear Marilyn and to remember that she is always there-surrounding me with a bond that goes beyond this world. 

Why did I register for yet another marathon?  Because I’m a badass – that’s why.