Life Is No Longer A "Drag"

 

One year ago, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. 

Technically, it was an easy decision to make, but it was what seemed to be an impossible decision to stick by.

Today marks the one year anniversary from the day I quit smoking.

 

 

 

When Marilyn was alive, she never badgered me about quitting smoking.  She would always help me to not beat myself up for failing, yet again, to quit.  Once Marilyn was diagnosed with cancer, her tone changed completely.  Laying in her hospital bed, she would show me the bandages, tubing, tape, cuts, bruises - everything she was enduring because her lungs were failing.  She would yell at me "QUIT NOW-or this is what you have to look forward to".  I have to say, I was never negatively phased by Marilyn "yelling" at me.  She loved me.  She loved me so much that she didn't want me to have to go through any pain that could possibly be avoided.  And I loved her back.  I hated watching her suffer. 

 

Marilyn died shortly after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  After she passed, I would try to quit smoking, for her, for me, for my family, for anything, and I just couldn't do it.  I would quit for a day - a week - maybe even a month in there somewhere - but every time I would be unsuccessful.

 

It took me almost 2 years after losing her to finally decide that I was ready.  I was ashamed of being a smoker.  I was ashamed that I lost someone I loved so dearly to lung cancer, yet every day - at least once on the hour - I would light up and put myself at further risk.  I was ready.  I hated the taste, the smell of cigarettes.  I would hide when I smoked, or not smoke with certain company.  I had to quit.  So I picked October 5, 2012 as my quit date-I believe it was a Friday.  That Wednesday, my mom had another series of "mini strokes" and was told to quit smoking.  Both of us decided that was it-we wouldn't buy another pack of cigarettes.  Well, I didn't, and my quit date quickly changed to October 4, 2012.  Unfortunately, my mom is still puffing away..... I will continue to quietly-and lovingly- harass her.  Marilyn did teach me well.

 

I know this blog was created to follow my journey to Philadelphia Marathon, and this says nothing about running-but it does, doesn't it?  I can't imagine training for a marathon as a smoker.  I can't imagine even wanting to.  I am running this marathon with Marilyn in my heart-her voice telling me that she is proud of me.  I finally took her suggestion to the fullest, and today-just for today- I have been a nonsmoker for one year.

 

I cannot express how grateful I am to be a part of Team Lung Love.  To know that I am raising money for a cause so true and close to my heart.  Smoker, Non Smoker, Former Smoker - NO ONE DESERVES TO DIE FROM THIS DISEASE. 

 

Thanks to everyone who has been following along on this long journey.  I have one month of long runs left and still a little more money to raise.  Come this November - I will be two short runs away from becoming a MARATHON RUNNER!

 

Want to donate?  Any amount is greatly appreciated.  See the links below to be sent on over to my donation page.  Thanks to everyone who has already donated.

 

Lots of Love.

 

 ****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here. Huge thanks again to everyone who has already donated!!!****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Facing the Fear

Today marks the TWO MONTH countdown to the Philadelphia Marathon.  I am well over halfway into my training, and a little over halfway to my fundraising goal.

Here I am.  Almost there.  I have no idea how I got here.  There are so many things that nobody tells you-or if they did tell me, I certainly didn't listen.  I don't remember anyone telling me that my life was going to revolve around this. Day in and day out, being totally obsessed with my running schedule, my last run, how fast, how slow, how long, my next run, my legs hurt, too little rest, too much rest, knee injuries, pulled hamstrings, sore calves, impossible fundraising goals, donations, doubts, expectations, hope, faith, fear....If you don't believe me, check out my Facebook...I am pretty sure I haven't had a status that was NOT about the marathon since May.  Every plan I make is made around my running schedule.  I even bring up the marathon in pretty much EVERY conversation I have.  And again, here I am.  Two short months away from my goal-toeing up at the start....

While the thought of this is exciting, even invigorating, it can also be terrifying at the same time.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any fear.  But what am I so afraid of? 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself” Franklin D. Roosevelt  

So Just for Today - I will put my fear aside.  I will lace up tomorrow morning, go on my midweek long run, and continue with the last 8 weeks of training.  I will still talk about the marathon constantly, blog about my journey, post about my runs.  The only difference between now and when I started is - I no longer feel ashamed or embarrassed.  I DO NOT have the PERFECT body.  I am not a FAST runner.  I am not always the SMARTEST in the bunch.  I tend to be overly EMOTIONAL and sometimes I lack the appropriate amount of FAITH needed on any given day.  From here on out, I will remind myself - this IMPERFECT body has carried me 222 miles since I started training, I am FASTER than the person sitting on their couch, I am a pretty INTELLIGENT girl, I don't really think CRYING is such a bad thing, and what I lack in FAITH is made up by the amount of LOVE and SUPPORT I keep around me. 

I will remember why I found the courage and strength to overcome ANY fear I could ever have.  The memories of my loved ones lost are more than enough for me to tell my fear to step aside.  I am running this marathon to help raise funds to benefit Lung Cancer Alliance in their quest to support early detection of  and find a treatment for lung cancer.  So many people have been affected by this terrible disease.  This is my way of fighting the fight.  Fear?  What fear?

****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here. Huge thanks again to everyone who has already donated!!!****

Great New Beginnings

 

For me, September is a time of New Beginnings. 

I feel like newness is all around me. 

A friend started her journey in motherhood today-with that first little cry, her life has been instantly changed forever.  My best friend will start school tomorrow night, and put herself in a position to do what she loves and does so well, teaching others.  My "coach" is geared up to run an ultra marathon this weekend-talk about inspiration! And my co-cheer captain will take her first step toward the journey of lost dreams awakened-double plus:I'll have a yoga instructor in the family.

Today, I am back to training after ANOTHER week on the bench. I can only assume I didn't take enough time the first time around.  What I see in September, is my chance to listen to my body and to enjoy my running more.  Training for this marathon has taught me so many things, but what I am finding to be the most invaluable lesson, is to enjoy the journey, bumps and all.  One Angel that I run for, Marilyn, always used to tell me "if you are constantly worrying about the outcome, you are missing the beauty in the journey".  I can just hear her voice telling me now. 

 

I miss so many things about Marilyn, but mostly, I miss her voice.  She always knew the right thing to say.  The past few weeks, I have craved her advice, searched my soul for the memories of it, and prayed that she stick with me where ever I go. 

As I continue on my new beginning, the bulk of my training and running the marathon this November, I want to remember the people that I love, in Heaven or on Earth-all in my Heart.  I want to be here to enjoy all the new beginnings and to revel in the unforgettable memories. 

It is truly inspiring to watch the ones I love grow even stronger.  It helps to remind me that I am strong, I am committed, and mostly-I am loved.

I have been overwhelmed with the support I have received during my training and fundraising - I am almost at the halfway point towards my goal of $1,500!  Thanks to everyone who has already donated, and to those of you who have passed me running and waved, beeped, or just let me know you saw me - thanks for your support too!!!!  So far, this has been an amazing journey!  I am excited to see what September will bring!


****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****

 

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Runner's High

At last, the rest is over.  Tuesday morning was my first run after a week of nothing.  I eased back into training with a short 3 mile run.  Not even 1/2 a mile in, I felt a rush....my runner's high.  I remember telling people that I don't get "high" off of running; I just enjoy the accomplishment I feel after I am done.  But Tuesday I proved myself wrong. The entire time I was nursing my legs, I would have such pangs of envy every time I saw a runner on the side of the road, heard of people running, saw posts about running, pretty much anything that had to do with what I was temporarily unable to do.  My alarm was set for 5:30AM as usual, but I didn't need it.  I think I was just so psyched to get back to it, that I bounced out of bed.  I must have minimized how much I missed waking up early, alone time to get ready, and heading out the door as the sun comes up.  I did the only thing I could when I realized I was running high - I SMILED.

I had another treat during training this week.  My second run was 7 miles on Wednesday morning.  If anyone was following along with random news - there was a BLUE MOON Tuesday night.  Well, I looked at the moon, and it didn't seem too blue to me.... but the vision of the moon as I started out Wednesday morning more than made up for the lack of color the night before.  The temperature was cool and the sky was dim, except for the perfectly bright moon leading the way.  As the sun started coming up, I could see that I was running towards fog.  A little apprehensive, mainly because I run on a highway, I forged forward, and to my surprise-running through fog is like running through a giant mister-so as long as I could see far enough in front of me to avoid being hit by a car, the fog turned out to be a welcome addition to my morning run. 

When I am running a long distance, I get to a point where I question myself.  I wonder what makes me decide out of nowhere to run a full marathon, why I think that I would be able to endure training and complete the race-why I would even want to, and why-oh why-would I decide to share it with anyone who cared to read about it.... The runner's high, the moon, the fog were all special treats that only the person experiencing them can appreciate, there was still another extraordinary moment during my run.  The moment of realization that I happen to have over and over again.  It's a silent answer to all of my questions.  Mostly the answer is "because I can".  On Wednesday morning, that voice came in with a bullhorn, so vibrantly, that I actually burst into tears.  It reminded me of all the reasons I would sign up for, train, and run a marathon.  I have been through so much in my 32 years. I have overcome many obstacles life has thrown at me.  I have had many accomplishments and equally as many disappointments.  I am not running for myself.  I am running for all the people who have supported me and held me up when I wanted to fall.  And for the biggest motivation to push on, I am running to help find a cure to a terrible disease that ripped away my loved ones.  The Angels that I run for showed me how to be a fighter, to be courageous, and that nothing is impossible. 

Wish me luck on my 15 mile run this Sunday!

****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****

Click Here to Donate


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Down But Not Out

It was inevitable.  I have been sidelined. 

Last week I was so excited to start training in my fancy new running shoes, with my fancy new ID bracelet, that I hit one too many steep hills with just a tad too much enthusiasm. Needless to say, my poor knees couldn't handle it and now I'm down (but not out) with "runner's knee".  Luckily from what I have read, the best thing to do is rest until I don't have any more pain, then get back to my training with added strength training to make sure this does NOT happen AGAIN. 

I am notorious for skipping my cross training.  I have all kinds of excuses why I cannot do it.  Really, the only reason I don't do it is because I don't feel like it.  I enjoy running.  I do not enjoy squats, lunges, pushups, core work, etc, etc, etc. I will be learning to love it from now on.

I have to admit it, I'm not only bummed, but a little nervous.  I have not taken a break from running since I signed up for Broad Street - not recommended.  I have had this little nagging fear that if I took a break, or didn't follow my schedule EXACTLY that I would fall off and never toe up to the Start Line.  This is a perfect example of my insecurities.  On one hand I KNOW with all certainty that I can get there-not just get there-but finish the marathon; then there is that OTHER hand.  The one that tells me I can't do it, I'm not good enough, and that I should just quit now.  Thank God I have support to tell that wicked side to SHUT UP and remind me that I am right on track.

I am hoping to get out there for my Friday morning run, but I have learned my lesson.  I need to listen to my body.  Even after knowing something was wrong, I went out for my Tuesday run. My Angels were definitely looking out for my legs, because the run was cut short by a tornado watch.  That was the sign I needed to take this break.  I am grateful that I was able to see it, accept it, and follow it. 

 

Hopefully I will be back at it sooner rather than later - I was looking forward to my FIFTEEN mile run on Sunday.

On a happier note, I am rolling along with fundraising for Team Lung Love - Lung Cancer Alliance.  I have some fabulous cheerleaders on my side who are vigilant in helping me and LCA raise awareness and funds for lung cancer treatment.  I am so grateful to those who have already donated.  Thanks to all of you! 

 

If you haven't yet, click here to submit your donation, and remember, some companies will match your contribution! 

If you are still wondering what the heck would motivate me to run TWENTY-SIX.2 miles (in a row), read up on what the Lung Cancer Alliance does by clicking here.  We all know someone who has been affected by this disease, it is our time to fight back and do something about it!





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Angels on Earth

This week's running schedule was a fall back week, meaning my longest run was 10 miles, down from 13 the previous week.  I decided I needed a new route for my run, and remembered my stepdad telling me I should run up a road nearby my house.  I have no idea why he would tell me to take that route....it has to be the hilliest route in my area.  As I started up the long incline, I thought "UG! WHY WOULD HE TELL ME TO DO THIS!  He doesn't even run." More importantly, why did I listen to him?  I swear to you, the entire first half of the run was uphill!  Once I stopped fretting about the hill and looked up, I realized why he told me to run that route.  The landscape was incredible.  Every mile or so, the trees would break and I would see an immaculate sunrise over an empty field.  It was so breathtaking, I no longer cared about the hills or how fast I was going, I just soaked up the calmness of my surroundings and the serenity in the run.  I felt so blessed to have my stepdad as part of my life.  I always feel grateful for him, but I had the opportunity in that moment to relish in the memory of how supportive he has ALWAYS been.  He was the one who bought my first pair of running shoes.

I will admit that I cannot think while I run.  My boss says she does her best thinking when running.  I am totally envious of that trait.  I try, but it is usually gobbled up by my own insistence on silence.  So I have what I call half thoughts.  The kind that start and then trail off into nothingness.  My half thought during Sunday's run was about all the people in my life who have really been there for me.  We already know that I have Angels looking out for me who are no longer on Earth with us, but it wasn't until then that I realized I also had Angels on Earth. 

It makes me feel so special to know I have this little team surrounding me.  It's not just anyone, but those people you know who possess character traits that seem impossible.  We all know someone like that.  Just totally Selfless and Caring, Supportive and Unconditional. 

My best friend, my cheer captain, has always pushed me to do my best, reeled me back in when I went to far, runs with me (even though I am a good 3 minutes per mile slower than she is), and puts up with my endless chatter about this marathon.  She inspired me to run and accompanied me on my first 5k and 10k and 10 miler.  I am in absolute awe of her.

I have another friend who lets me see how she sees me.  Don't understand?  Well, I have a tendency to be quite insecure, or to downplay what I am doing.  She is relentless in her task of keeping me positive and ending my negative self talk and self doubt.  She even gets angry with me when I say "I can't" or feel like I am not good enough.  That there is a true friend.

My hub of course is a huge source of support.  He is the person who is staying with my little angels while I run, the person who is always there when I finish, and no matter how long my run is-I am greeted with "wow!  I cannot believe you just ran _______ miles".  It is my HUB who has to deal with my aches, pains and complaining, my "look at me" moments, my exhaustion.  He really bears the brunt of my training, and guess what?  He still loves me.

Anyone reading this blog is supporting me, and I appreciate the people who have told me that they are following along (thanks J).  It's a nice reminder of why I decided to write in the first place.

There are so many people who have been supportive of me.  If I tried to thank everyone-this blog would be far too long.  I consider them all Angels.  From my best friend's mom for sharing my posts and letting me "borrow" her Angels; my running mentor/coach/supporter UltraMarathon runner who inspires me, helps me with alllllll my questions and uses her words to keep me running when I think I want to quit; my Momma In Law who asks me about EVERY run, makes sure I have everything I need, and no doubt prays for my safety every morning; and of course, my Mom, who always tells me she is proud of me.

****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****

 

Calling All Angels

Let's get right to the point-13 miles was tough.  I woke up a little later than usual Sunday morning, got myself together, and was out the door in less than 15 minutes.  I don't know if I didn't take the time to mentally prepare or if I was too afraid of psyching myself out.  Whichever it was, I had no idea what to expect. 

Once I'm moving, I am good, however, this time I found myself at 1.5 miles saying "you only have 11.5 to go", and realized that did not offer ANY comfort.  There is no such thing as ONLY 11.5 miles unless you are driving a car.  I don't think I found a groove until at least Mile 4, which was quick to leave around Mile 6.  I could literally feel blisters creeping up on my toes, my knee was aching and my hips were killing me.  But I kept pushing through because I really had no other choice.  What was I going to do?  Call my hub and have him come pick me up?  NEVER. 

I am not fooling you when I say I run with Angels.  I truly needed all the Angels I could get.  I could not believe how I had to look towards that help during this run. I drew upon Marilyn's strength, Mommom's grace, Fred's persistence and GreatMommom's courage.       

I shocked myself when I thought about the commitment I made and that I was going to stick to it NO MATTER WHAT.  And finally, the run got a little easier.  By Mile 11, I was running like I'd been doing it all my life.  My form changed, I sped up, I felt free.  It was nothing short of Amazing.

I bust through the door of my house - 2 hours 28 minutes later - and I didn't leave again until dinner time that night.  I remembered my friend saying that all she wanted to do after 12 or 13 mile runs was lay around all day, so I tried it out.  I watched not one, not two, but three Harry Potter movies and snuggled with my son.  Anytime I got off of my couch, it was accompanied by many grumbles of achy pain throughout my body.  I probably complained a little too much, but thankfully no one told me to suck it up.   

Last week, I ran 12 miles then went to the beach for the day, grocery shopped, did my laundry, all of my normal activities, and didn't feel nearly as sore the day of or the next day.  So either that ONE little mile makes a HUGE difference, or I need to NOT lay around the day of the long run.  I guess you really do live and learn.

This week was the first week I exhibited any self-doubt on this journey.  I told the hub that I didn't think I could do it, that 13 miles was rough enough.  He sweetly reminded me that I am training, and that I could definitely do it.  And with that little push, I was back to believing I could conquer the world, one mile at a time.

****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****