In the End...

It's been well over a month since I crossed the finish line in Philadelphia,

and even longer since I have written about my journey.

I have missed my blog.

 

 

 

I can now officially tell you what it is like to run a marathon....and trust me - it ain't easy. 

 

As soon as we pulled into Philadelphia on the Saturday before the race, you could feel the buzz.  So many people were wandering around with their race packets and their families.  I have never felt a part of as a runner as I did walking through the convention center.  Knowing that I was going in and picking up my bib for a full marathon gave me a certain pride that I can't really describe. My hub, mother-in-law, son and I all walked around and visited the little booths, buying small tokens to remember this weekend.  I was already basking in the glory of all that was Marathon Weekend.  I had yet to feel nervousness, anxiety or fear of what I would be doing the next day. 

 

A couple hours after arriving in Philly was the Team Lung Love team dinner.  Two of my very best friends-my lead cheerleaders-joined me, my husband, mother-in-law, and my son for a yummy pasta dinner with the rest of the team.  That is where the fear and insecurity kicked in.  I didn't talk to any of my teammates, but in my mind, they were all far more experienced than I was, and I didn't belong there.  Of course, I kept those thoughts to myself, but if you know me, and my loved ones do, something definitely changed in my demeanor.  I couldn't find the words to express how I was feeling-all I really wanted to do was cry.  I kissed my friends goodbye, knowing that I would see them the following day, cheering me on, and walked back to our hotel room with my family.  I slept in bed, awkwardly, with my son's foot in my face, my husband at the foot of the bed, and my Momma Michele crunched up on the other side.  But I slept good.  I woke up ready to go bright and early the next morning.

 

My hub walked me down, stayed with me awhile, and when he left, I realized I only spoke a handful of words to him.  While I stood in what seemed to be the longest line ever to use what seemed to be the nastiest bathroom ever, I felt so alone and afraid.  Anxious.  I just wanted it to start.  Not be over-just to start. 

I waited about an hour between the horrible potty line and the oh-so-dreaded wait for my corral to go off.  I met a lovely Georgia woman who had just beat breast cancer and was also running her first marathon to keep me company.  Once I was running, I felt good.  Most likely because I knew it would be over in some hours.  I ran fast, I ran slow, I walked, I limped, I danced, I sang.  There was very little I didn't do, and that was only in the first half.  My knee, a huge curse for me through this whole journey, started to bother me just short of 10 miles.  At some point, I thought, I should just finish at the half-I couldn't possibly continue on-and then my phone vibrated.  My cheer captains, my "coach", and what could easily be called another mom in my life, were all waiting for me at the halfway mark.  I only had to make it 3 more miles to see their smiling faces.  When I realized they were right around the corner, I knew I didn't have to stop, that I was going to keep going, regardless of fear or my own self doubt, I was going to finish every foot of the 26.2 miles I set out to run.  My loves took pictures of me coming up to them, they hugged me, they helped me and then they cheered me away from them.  My only regret is I don't have a picture of their beautiful faces waiting for me.  No picture of me running can replace the looks on their faces and the way it made me feel at that 13 mile marker.  To know that they loved me that much.  I needed them right at the moment, and there they were.

 

And so I was off....made a friend before the 14 mile mark who helped by giving me Icy/Hot for my knee.  **Note to self and to all other runners out there**.....make sure you don't open your bottle of water with Icy/Hot on your hands-you can imagine why.  I'm sorry I had to experience it to learn my lesson.  That terrible taste lasted for at least 3 more miles, and by then my knees went numb along with my feet. The rest of the run is a slow blur.  I walked an equal distance to running in the last 6 or so miles.  I was tired, I hurt, I really thought I was never going to finish.  I would text my loved ones every few miles so they knew where I was, and they would respond letting me know I was almost there, and they were waiting for me.

 

 

 When I reached the opening to the finish line - right before the 26 mile marker - I heard the sweetest sound ever.  The amazing woman I call Coach - yelling "Baby Girl!!! Baby Girl - you're doing it!!!" That alone could have catapulted me over the finish line, and with a hug and a few encouraging words, she was gone.  At 26 miles, my friends were waiting.  The jumped into the race and ran with me, crying and laughing, all of us in sheer amazement that I was going to finish.  Once they left me, I rounded the corner and saw the most glorious of all visions....my family holding a sign for me, smiling ear to ear.  My six year old son was able to give me flowers, grab my hand and run across the finish line with me.

 

 

I found out that when you are one of the "back of the packers", you have certain privileges that the faster runners don't get.  While the crowd definitely dies down quite a bit before you run towards the finish line, you get to have your own personal cheering crowd of strangers motivating you to keep going; your family has time to see you across the start, then go have breakfast or lunch with plenty of time to see you cross the finish; no one cares that there is a little boy holding hands with his mama on the path because there may only be one or two other people crossing with you; and finally, when you are coming to an end - EVERY photographer is right there to snap every precious picture of you.  Because of that last privilege, I have wonderful memories in print of my girlfriends' short run with me, and a mental picture of the photographer who jumped into the race, just to snap a perfect picture of me and my baby crossing the finish.

 

Six Hours and Seven Minutes it took me from start to finish.  That there is a very VERY long time to run/walk/cry/laugh/dance/sing/wanttothrowup/pause/runagain.  But I'd do it again, in a second.  Thirty-seven days after I finished my first marathon, I was registered for my second.  Maybe this time, I'll spare you all the details.

 

I am thankful to Bryan, Tyler, Michele, Caitlin, Nicole, Susan, Meg, Mary & Mike for being my cheer squad.  I love you all.

And, a very special thanks to all who donated to Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance for me and for all of my teammates.  I am so grateful to have been a part of the fight against Lung Cancer and to honor my friend, Marilyn.  I miss you more everyday.

On the Wings of an Angel



"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another"

― Walter Elliott

***Disclaimer - I am in the process of moving and about to run a marathon - so if any of this makes sense, I will be shocked.  Please forgive me, I believe I lost my mind somewhere along my 20 mile run***

 

Years ago, a good friend of mine told me I have commitment issues.  At the time, I believed her.  I was an amazing starter.  I had big plans, but no follow through.  I couldn't stay in a relationship. I couldn't stay in a job.  Diets never lasted more than one day - maybe even only an hour.  I couldn't quit smoking for more than a morning.  She was right.  I had major commitment issues.  At the first moment I realized that whatever I was committed to might require some work, I bailed on the idea.  And I stayed that way for quite some time.

Through the years, I have worked through some of my insanity.  I have been in the same relationship for many years.  I have held my current job for about 3 years - at least 2 years longer than most of my jobs.  I have not smoked in over a year and my diet is fairly healthy, most of the time. 

I have seen my greatest improvement with my lack of commitment in the relationships I carry with my friends.  Never in my life would I have imagined having such deep, true friendships.  I have been blessed a million times over.  The ones who I still hold very close, are the ones who stayed by my side during darkness and in light.  I am forever grateful to the women I call my sisters.

I am happy to say that after 24 weeks of my newfound commitment to training, I will be running the Philadelphia Marathon this Sunday.  I forced myself throughout my training to never think about the end.  I wouldn't allow myself to think about actually running 26.2 miles.  I thought if I fast forwarded ahead that I would get psyched out and quit.  So, I promised myself to quietly keep my eye on the prize - fundraising and running.  It was only pure shock and amazement when I hit my fundraising goal a month ahead of schedule - AND continued to raise money to this day.  When I say that I am overwhelmed with gratitude, I am simply understating the way that I really feel.  No words can describe the feeling I have.  I have committed to training, to running 4 days a week - sometimes more, sometimes less, raising $1,500 for Lung Cancer Alliance, putting my body and mind through tasks that seemed impossible and unimaginable - and I did it.  Now, imagine how you would feel....

I know that none of what I have done has been all on me.  I have been gliding on the wings of angels from the very start.  When Marilyn was alive, her and I would walk multiple laps around our park.  We would talk and laugh and figure out our own life's mysteries while clocking miles and miles.  Never had I ever thought that we wouldn't continue to have those moments for years into the future.  The day after I run the marathon, will be the three year anniversary of losing Marilyn.  I know that Marilyn has been with me throughout this journey, and that we will run this marathon TOGETHER on Sunday.  She has been my heart and soul throughout this path.  I believe that there are certain bonds that will not end with death.  I believe that Marilyn is always with me and I am blessed to see her in my dreams, to be able to visit with her, hear her voice and feel her hugs - even if it is only in my sleep and only for a moment. 

Luckily, because of the support I have received and the love that I am given, I am feeling extremely calm, even peaceful.  When I would allow myself to look ahead to the marathon, I always imagined I would be scared, nervous - a wreck, but I'm not.  And it is just one more reminder that I have extra help.  Between flying with my angels, and a support group that is second to none, I am ready. 

Commitment is a funny thing.  When you feel like you want to quit, when you are beaten, broken, down and out, but you continue to move forward on sheer commitment-the reward is priceless. 

Race day is almost here - but I'm still taking donations!  I am running this marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Thanks to everyone who has already donated!

Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****  

 

 

 

 

Hope Springs Eternal



One definition of Hope is:

 "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best"

 

 From the very beginning, Marilyn was always giving me hope.  She gave me hope that my future was going to be brighter than my past.  Brighter than any dream I could have ever dreamt.  I even have a bag and a scarf with the word "hope" on it - both gifts from Marilyn - get it?  GIVING me HOPE.  

 

If I had never had the pleasure of knowing such a remarkable woman, I definitely would not be running a marathon next month, I would have never thought I was capable of raising enough money to run on such an incredible team for that marathon, and I would have never believed I was worthy of all the other extraordinary moments that have happened and are happening in my life. 

 

Hope is the root of everything for me.  Without hope, I would be lost.  Without hope, none of this would be possible.  If I've learned anything from Marilyn, I have learned that if you have hope and you keep hope, nothing is impossible.   

 

Even after her death, she is still giving me hope.  I can hear her loud, boisterous voice telling me to hang on-to hang in there-and that no matter what-everything will turn out for the best. 

 

There are days, like this morning, when my hope is wavering.  When I feel doubt or believe that I cannot accomplish my goals.  When I just need to know that I am going in the right direction and that everything will work out.  And without fail, when I need her, she is there.  I found a rose today, all alone, surrounded by empty stems, and all I could think was-this is my hope.  It was my Marilyn telling me to hold on-just like that rose was holding on for a little while longer. 

 

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come".



 

****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No amount is too small!  Thanks to everyone who has already donated!  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****

 

 

 

 

For the Love of Running

May 2008
My Angel

 I know why I run, but sometimes I ask myself "how did I get here?" 

It is nice to have kept reminders of my journey up until this point...

  

2010 UCGKHG5k Run/Walk

 My first 5k was in October 2010 - with my very best friend and inspiration...My finish time was 37:51.  I am pretty sure you can never forget your first time (winky face).  I couldn't believe I was going to run 3 WHOLE MILES!  I didn't really know what to expect, so I showed up with makeup on and no music to run to.  That was the longest 3.1 miles of my life.  Caitlin finished (in record time, no doubt) and met me at the end to help me get to the finish.  I can only remember wanting so badly to throw up when it was all over.

 

 Marilyn passed away less than a month after my first 5k.

 

Miles for Moo Moo

 The next time I was to run a 5k, was also a run that was organized in memory of Marilyn - called Miles for Moo Moo 5k Run/Walk.  I had the pleasure of assisting the "chairperson" with putting together this emotional run.  Lots of work and effort went into honoring such a beautiful woman who we both loved so much. 

I ended up staying back and not running the 5k, but was able to be there to cheer on everyone who came out to support us.

 

Shortly after Miles for Moo Moo, I started a new job with a boss who had a passion for running that ran right along side of mine-and started our joint journey of running 5k's all over the place...

Two months after starting my new job, I ran my second 5k, with the hill of death.  There is probably a reason we have no pictures to commemorate that moment...Although that second race was pretty rough, it really kicked started my love of running.  HELLHILL was quickly followed up with my first Mudrun with Team Dirty Dames.  That first mud run was one of the best times I have had in my life.  Best group of girls to be on a team with.

2011 Mudrun-Team Dirty Dames

 Later that year, I was facing my first winter 5k. It was December 16, 2011 and called the Jingle Bell Run.  Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Frosty, etc were all present for the event.  I was dressed in red and green and had jingle bells attached to my shoes.  This was the first race I brought my youngest son to, and the first time he crossed a finish line with me.  The moment I rounded the corner and saw his little face cheering me on, was the moment that I realized I could do anything.

2011 Jingle Bell Run

 2012 proved to be a pretty busy racing year for me....now I say racing - but I mean running in races, not so much in the competitive terms.  I think I was deprived of the competition gene.  As a matter of fact, the more it feels like a competition, the less I want to do it.

 

February 2012 I ran in the Polar Bear Run for the Plunge - the day before plunging my poor body into the Atlantic Ocean for the first time - all in the name of charity, right? April 2012 was my first Run for the House Ronald McDonald charity run.  September 2012 brought on the second Mudrun with Team Dirty Divas (same teammates-just sassier).  October 2012, I ran Making Strides Against Breast Cancer for Chuck's Angels.  Although I was extremely doubtful of my ability to run more than 3.1 miles, I finished my one and only 10k on Thanksgiving morning. I wrapped up the year running the Jingle Bell Run with First Choice and friends for the second year in a row.

 

 

2012 Run for the Plunge

2012 Ronald McDonald Run for the House

2012 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

2012 MudRun Team Dirty Divas

2012 Jingle Bell Run
 

2012 March for Babies




2012 Thanksgiving 10k

This year started with the decision to run the Broad Street 10 miler.  In preparation for this impossible distance, I signed up for March and April 5ks-which led to me running my heart out on May 5th at the BSR in Philadelphia.  I didn't break any records.  I didn't even meet my own personal goal.  But I did find out what I was made of.  I signed up for the marathon before I ever stepped foot on the 10 miler's course. 



2013 Broad Street Run

 

2013 Cherry Blossom 5k

2013 Ronald McDonald Run for the House



And here I am.  This journey of running has been a long and bumpy one so far....but most juicy love affairs are, aren't they? 

 

****Remember, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  I am super close to my goal!  Thanks to everyone who has already donated!

Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****  

 

 

Life Is No Longer A "Drag"

 

One year ago, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. 

Technically, it was an easy decision to make, but it was what seemed to be an impossible decision to stick by.

Today marks the one year anniversary from the day I quit smoking.

 

 

 

When Marilyn was alive, she never badgered me about quitting smoking.  She would always help me to not beat myself up for failing, yet again, to quit.  Once Marilyn was diagnosed with cancer, her tone changed completely.  Laying in her hospital bed, she would show me the bandages, tubing, tape, cuts, bruises - everything she was enduring because her lungs were failing.  She would yell at me "QUIT NOW-or this is what you have to look forward to".  I have to say, I was never negatively phased by Marilyn "yelling" at me.  She loved me.  She loved me so much that she didn't want me to have to go through any pain that could possibly be avoided.  And I loved her back.  I hated watching her suffer. 

 

Marilyn died shortly after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  After she passed, I would try to quit smoking, for her, for me, for my family, for anything, and I just couldn't do it.  I would quit for a day - a week - maybe even a month in there somewhere - but every time I would be unsuccessful.

 

It took me almost 2 years after losing her to finally decide that I was ready.  I was ashamed of being a smoker.  I was ashamed that I lost someone I loved so dearly to lung cancer, yet every day - at least once on the hour - I would light up and put myself at further risk.  I was ready.  I hated the taste, the smell of cigarettes.  I would hide when I smoked, or not smoke with certain company.  I had to quit.  So I picked October 5, 2012 as my quit date-I believe it was a Friday.  That Wednesday, my mom had another series of "mini strokes" and was told to quit smoking.  Both of us decided that was it-we wouldn't buy another pack of cigarettes.  Well, I didn't, and my quit date quickly changed to October 4, 2012.  Unfortunately, my mom is still puffing away..... I will continue to quietly-and lovingly- harass her.  Marilyn did teach me well.

 

I know this blog was created to follow my journey to Philadelphia Marathon, and this says nothing about running-but it does, doesn't it?  I can't imagine training for a marathon as a smoker.  I can't imagine even wanting to.  I am running this marathon with Marilyn in my heart-her voice telling me that she is proud of me.  I finally took her suggestion to the fullest, and today-just for today- I have been a nonsmoker for one year.

 

I cannot express how grateful I am to be a part of Team Lung Love.  To know that I am raising money for a cause so true and close to my heart.  Smoker, Non Smoker, Former Smoker - NO ONE DESERVES TO DIE FROM THIS DISEASE. 

 

Thanks to everyone who has been following along on this long journey.  I have one month of long runs left and still a little more money to raise.  Come this November - I will be two short runs away from becoming a MARATHON RUNNER!

 

Want to donate?  Any amount is greatly appreciated.  See the links below to be sent on over to my donation page.  Thanks to everyone who has already donated.

 

Lots of Love.

 

 ****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here. Huge thanks again to everyone who has already donated!!!****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Facing the Fear

Today marks the TWO MONTH countdown to the Philadelphia Marathon.  I am well over halfway into my training, and a little over halfway to my fundraising goal.

Here I am.  Almost there.  I have no idea how I got here.  There are so many things that nobody tells you-or if they did tell me, I certainly didn't listen.  I don't remember anyone telling me that my life was going to revolve around this. Day in and day out, being totally obsessed with my running schedule, my last run, how fast, how slow, how long, my next run, my legs hurt, too little rest, too much rest, knee injuries, pulled hamstrings, sore calves, impossible fundraising goals, donations, doubts, expectations, hope, faith, fear....If you don't believe me, check out my Facebook...I am pretty sure I haven't had a status that was NOT about the marathon since May.  Every plan I make is made around my running schedule.  I even bring up the marathon in pretty much EVERY conversation I have.  And again, here I am.  Two short months away from my goal-toeing up at the start....

While the thought of this is exciting, even invigorating, it can also be terrifying at the same time.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any fear.  But what am I so afraid of? 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself” Franklin D. Roosevelt  

So Just for Today - I will put my fear aside.  I will lace up tomorrow morning, go on my midweek long run, and continue with the last 8 weeks of training.  I will still talk about the marathon constantly, blog about my journey, post about my runs.  The only difference between now and when I started is - I no longer feel ashamed or embarrassed.  I DO NOT have the PERFECT body.  I am not a FAST runner.  I am not always the SMARTEST in the bunch.  I tend to be overly EMOTIONAL and sometimes I lack the appropriate amount of FAITH needed on any given day.  From here on out, I will remind myself - this IMPERFECT body has carried me 222 miles since I started training, I am FASTER than the person sitting on their couch, I am a pretty INTELLIGENT girl, I don't really think CRYING is such a bad thing, and what I lack in FAITH is made up by the amount of LOVE and SUPPORT I keep around me. 

I will remember why I found the courage and strength to overcome ANY fear I could ever have.  The memories of my loved ones lost are more than enough for me to tell my fear to step aside.  I am running this marathon to help raise funds to benefit Lung Cancer Alliance in their quest to support early detection of  and find a treatment for lung cancer.  So many people have been affected by this terrible disease.  This is my way of fighting the fight.  Fear?  What fear?

****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here. Huge thanks again to everyone who has already donated!!!****

Great New Beginnings

 

For me, September is a time of New Beginnings. 

I feel like newness is all around me. 

A friend started her journey in motherhood today-with that first little cry, her life has been instantly changed forever.  My best friend will start school tomorrow night, and put herself in a position to do what she loves and does so well, teaching others.  My "coach" is geared up to run an ultra marathon this weekend-talk about inspiration! And my co-cheer captain will take her first step toward the journey of lost dreams awakened-double plus:I'll have a yoga instructor in the family.

Today, I am back to training after ANOTHER week on the bench. I can only assume I didn't take enough time the first time around.  What I see in September, is my chance to listen to my body and to enjoy my running more.  Training for this marathon has taught me so many things, but what I am finding to be the most invaluable lesson, is to enjoy the journey, bumps and all.  One Angel that I run for, Marilyn, always used to tell me "if you are constantly worrying about the outcome, you are missing the beauty in the journey".  I can just hear her voice telling me now. 

 

I miss so many things about Marilyn, but mostly, I miss her voice.  She always knew the right thing to say.  The past few weeks, I have craved her advice, searched my soul for the memories of it, and prayed that she stick with me where ever I go. 

As I continue on my new beginning, the bulk of my training and running the marathon this November, I want to remember the people that I love, in Heaven or on Earth-all in my Heart.  I want to be here to enjoy all the new beginnings and to revel in the unforgettable memories. 

It is truly inspiring to watch the ones I love grow even stronger.  It helps to remind me that I am strong, I am committed, and mostly-I am loved.

I have been overwhelmed with the support I have received during my training and fundraising - I am almost at the halfway point towards my goal of $1,500!  Thanks to everyone who has already donated, and to those of you who have passed me running and waved, beeped, or just let me know you saw me - thanks for your support too!!!!  So far, this has been an amazing journey!  I am excited to see what September will bring!


****Don't Forget, I am running this Marathon with Team Lung Love for Lung Cancer Alliance to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Lung Cancer.  No donation is too small.  Please consider donating to the cause by clicking here.****

 

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